day two

Its day two and I am already failing and cheating myself. I am lying to myself and this stupid blog. What I surprise, another person who lies about themselves on the Internet. The whole purpose of this thing was to document my eating and be responsible and be held accountable for my intake, but instead I am just eating as I used to.

I have zero self control and I don’t seem to even care.
But the reality is I do care, and it is the one thing I care most about. I have no control over anything in my life at the moment, and I was hoping that a diet and food intake management would restore some sense of control, but instead it is showing my the complete opposite. It is like I am punishing myself. To be happy I need to be skinny, but to move mountains with my misery I need to be overweight and unhappy with my appearance. I can’t even stand to see myself in the mirror, and the thought of having a shower later tonight makes me sick to my stomach. Hrmm, that could be potentially promising.

I was trying so hard and doing well. I ate so well during the day, but come night time… I just give in to all cravings and eat more than I could ever want. And then I spend the next several hours hating and punishing myself for this disobedience. But as hard as I try, and want as I do, there is nothing I can do to reverse the damage. I have had this problem with control before, and my attempts only left my uglier than I was to start off with.

Its time to throw out the chocolate and harden the fuck up.

day one

Today is the first day of my attempt at fitness and weight loss. It started off positively with my parents leaving for Sydney, allowing me five days with the house to myself meaning I can eat and do as I please. To celebrate my new regime I decided to take the dog for a long walk.

Was successful and refreshing, up until the point that I hurt my prone-to-constant injury ankle. I was only trying to be nice too! I had stopped at an off-leash area so my dog could get a drink and have a lie down in the shade, but noooooooo mr uneven ground had other ideas. There is nothing like hurting your ankle at the futherest point from your house and having to limp all the way home.

It is times like this that I seriously regret doing gymnastics as a child. Oh herro, super stretched ankle ligament scar tissue.  But still I think I managed about 10km and was gone for a good two hours (with stopping time). Proud! (but in a mood for complaining, as always!)

june 15, 2:45am

its almost three am, i have been watching jimmy fallon and funny or die videos for the past three hours. i have not given into my typical post-midnight eating habits, being upstairs in the attic seems to be helping.

time for sleep soon, thats another few hours without the distraction of hunger, feeling positive. being alone for the next week will either make it easy or make me lazy and throw everything off… we’ll see. stay tuned for further developments and/or likely failures.

june 14

problem: overweight(&)unhappy
cause: bad year + lack of self control
current weight: fifty five
plan: use internet as a public sphere to document and accept responsibility for food intake
goal weight: fall below fifty

overall plan: to not be revolted by my body, to be smaller than her, to feel comfortable in my own skin, to look good enough for other people to recognise me.

conditions/requirements:
- self control
- no junk food
- exercise
- daily weighing
- cut all eating to a minimum
- just say no